Blair Kindly Cancels London Signing To Spare Police The Inconvenience Of Holding Back His Loving Fans

Mr Blair's fans will be so disappointed

Ex-prime minister and novelist Tony Blair has pulled out of a book signing in London, claiming that it was not fair on the Metropolitan Police to expect them to restrain the surging hordes of fans who desperately wanted him to sign copies of his fantasy tale.

“I’m really sorry that the vast majority of the public, who desperately want to meet me and tell me how wonderful I am, will not be able to because I’m such a kind and caring guy that I’ve cancelled this signing purely out of consideration for London’s wonderful bobbies,” wailed Mr Blair on ITV’s hard-hitting new breakfast TV show, ‘What Would You Like On Your Toast Today, Dear?’ “But they can take solace from the crate of signed copies I’ll be sending round to Waterstones later. Don’t bother buying at half price from Amazon, by the way. They’re clearly having trouble shifting their stock because they don’t have my glorious signature in them. That means they lack the miraculous power to heal the sick, obviously.”

“To be frank, I am concerned… If people want to have a book signed, people should protest but not try and physically prevent you doing it," he added, demonstrating the mastery of language that marks him as one of the world’s top orators and writers.

At a press briefing later, when proper journalists pointed out that the people who were protesting were not in fact trying to jump the queue for signed copies of his rotten collection of fibs, Mr Blair looked at them blankly for a minute.

“These crowds get all the publicity, but I’m the one who’s paying the PR consultants’ fees,” he complained. “It’s not fair. I should get a refund off the public.”