Mandelson: Blair Feared Raving Psychopath Brown Would Kill And Eat Him

Today’s startling revelation from Lord Mandelson’s funeral elegy for the Labour Party is that, when Tony Blair was prime minister, he went to bed every night with a baseball bat - terrified that his chancellor Gordon Brown would tear down the wall between Nos. 10 and 11 Downing Street in a crack-crazed red rage, gut him with a carving knife and feast on his still-pulsing entrails.

The former business secretary claims that Mr Blair broke down in tears at the mere mention of the chancellor’s name, sobbing that he often heard the agonised death-throes of garden songbirds as the sadistic Mr Brown gleefully tortured them next door in his chamber of horrors.

According to Lord Mandelson, Mr Blair once considered the idea of shuffling Mr Brown sideways to the Foreign Office - but feared the brooding arch-fiend would seize the opportunity to engineer a nuclear Armageddon, in which he could cackle maniacally as the ocean floors cracked asunder and the atmosphere boiled away until nothing remained of our planet but a shattered asteroid belt.

“Even the tiny, brutish mind of John Prescott recognised the danger posed by Gordon Brown,” he writes in today’s serialised excerpt in the Times. “Whenever Gordon was in the vicinity John would immediately adopt a submissive posture, allowing the domineering alpha-male chancellor to mark him with urine before meekly picking nits out of Gordon’s hair.”

“It’s no wonder Tony is still surrounded by bodyguards,” explained Lord Mandelson. “The current whereabouts of Gordon Brown are a complete mystery, and it’s entirely possible that he has retreated to some sort of secret base inside a hollowed-out volcano - possibly in the Orkneys or the Western Isles - from which he is, even now, moving inexorably towards the terrible fulfilment of his insane plans.”

“Or he could just come at him from a dark alley with a sledgehammer,” he added.