We May Never Know How Justice Locked Itself In A Bag And Died

Coroner Fiona Coxup today delivered her considered verdict to a hushed inquest, saying she was entirely satisfied that top MI6 paperclip operator James Bond lawfully killed himself after lawfully planting women’s clothing worth £20,000 in his apartment, lawfully squeezing into an airtight bag, lawfully zipping it shut from the inside, lawfully padlocking the external zippers together before lawfully retrieving the key and lawfully leaping into the bath to suffocate in complete accordance with the law.

“It is entirely fit and proper that Mr Bond’s worried case officer, ‘M’, notified police the moment Mr Bond was a week late for work,” smiled Dr Coxup, “Just as it was entirely wrong for the police to pursue a questionable agenda of treating Mr Bond’s death as some sort of mystery to be solved.”

If you can tuck your scrotum into a pair of Victoria's Secret scanties, this is a doddle

“That these dull-witted flatfoots stubbornly refused to draw the obvious conclusion – namely, that any man with a small branch of Dorothy Perkins in his wardrobe would surely come to realise that he was nothing but a monstrous pervert with no more right to exist than a snivelling woodlouse – shall go down in forensic history as a dark stain of treasonous disloyalty on the otherwise impeccable record of Britain’s security services,” she thundered, adding: “Will this do?”

“The coroner’s ruling proves that British justice is still governed by common sense of self-preservation,” commented MI6 spokesman ‘Q’, handing Dr Coxup a ticking MBE. “From day one, we have always maintained that this was just an everyday open and shut and locked and left to die pathetically in a bath case.”