Fears That iPhone May Become New Must-Have Chav Accessory Sends Apple Share Price Plummeting

Your iPhone is about to explode, and this time it's not the battery

As struggling Blackberry makers RIM belatedly wise up to their woefully-mismatched user base of corporate suits and ASBO collectors and pull out of the chav market, Apple shares tumbled in value as gloomy investors trembled at the prospect of their favourite toys falling into the hands of ghastly common people.

“The Blackberry brand has become disastrously tainted by its association with scum, i.e. louts and their lawyers,” sneered financial advisor Rob Blind, as he urged his clients to dump their Apple shares and restock their portfolios with Android-based gadget suppliers instead. “The Android platform is widely promoted by many firms in the technology sector, which will confuse the hell out of the stunted chav hive-mind. They’re bound to go for Apple, the other big name they keep hearing about.”

“I’m happy to pay well over the odds every time Apple launch their latest attempt to get it right, then demonstrate my social and aesthetic superiority by constantly bragging that it’s made my life exquisite,” confirmed colleague Nick Stuff. “That doesn’t work quite so well though, does it, if all my friends get the idea that I pass my evenings staggering about town centres in a Primark hoody, off my tits on cider and ketamine, spraying cocks on subway walls.”

“I should have known Apple were making a horrible mistake launching that tawdry little iPod Nano all those years ago,” he moaned. “Is there an app for transferring all my funds into LG?”