New Planning Guidelines All Things To Everyone, Beams Pickles

Mr Pickles says everyone's behind him, which is believable

Property developers, tree-huggers, NIMBYs, farmers, bankers, decent working families, Labour, young people, the disabled, the security forces, terrorists, penguins, seals, whales, plankton, generations as yet unborn and John Carter of Mars should unite in praising the government’s new one-page guide to planning, communities secretary Eric Pickles declared today.

“Replacing 1300 pages of really tedious crap that was only of interest to nerdy planners and other interfering busybodies with a simple tick-box ready reckoner is the only way to safeguard the beautiful vistas of England’s grey and pleasant land, both now and for future generations to come,” he insisted with a big shit-eating grin.

Those Planning Guidelines In Full

1. Will the developer trouser a tidy sum from this proposal?
Yes - APPROVED
Of course not, I’m only doing it for the good of my health – go to QUESTION 2
2. Are local (herein defined as <10m) residents likely to suffer significant loss of amenity, health or life?
No - APPROVED
Only poor people – go to QUESTION 3
3. Is the developer prepared to offer a token Section 106 bung to the council in used fivers, thereby keeping a library in another ward from closure for another day?
Yes – APPROVED
There aren’t any libraries left – go to QUESTION 4
4. Is the development in a Tory marginal ward?
Yes – REFUSED
No - APPROVED