AV Will Spice Up Your Sex Life A Treat, Promises Clegg

Dear God, no

After the Electoral Commission replied to complaints about lies told by Tory opponents of the Alternative Vote by pointing out that it has no authority over a referendum, the Liberal Democrats have retaliated by insisting that AV guarantees multiple screaming orgasms every night.

“We are empowered to investigate complaints about elections,” a spokesman for the Electoral Commission told senior Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne, who demanded legal action over spurious Tory claims that AV would cost taxpayers £250m. “A referendum might look like an election, it may run like an election and for all we care it can quack like an election. But it isn’t an election, is it? So fuck off.”

The Lib Dems have swiftly taken the commission’s decision onboard, wasting no time in devising a campaign to make the complete absence of oversight of the most critical challenge to British democracy in generations work to their advantage.

Entirely fictitious benefits also being dreamed up by AV supporters include a kilo of chocolate delivered through your letterbox every day for the rest of your life, everlasting peace on Earth and weekly vouchers for sex with the celebrity of your choice.

The No To AV group swiftly responded by making up baleful predictions that, if introduced, Nick Clegg would certainly declare himself dictator for life, ban sex altogether and force children up chimneys and down mines, before finally destroying the world by starting World War Three on Christmas Eve.