Police To Arrest Everybody

You're facking nicked, sunshine

Drunk on power thanks to their new-found ability to arrest anybody they suspect may be conspiring to commit a breach of the peace, police officers across Britain commandeered nightclubs in every city last night and arrested everybody who went in, on the grounds that they were all quite probably planning to get drunk and wander home lairy.

With every adult under the age of 25 safely under lock and key, officers today transferred their operations to electrical shops, ready to swoop on anyone who buys a stereo system. Other squads staked out garden centres and branches of Argos, on the lookout for people buying barbecue equipment, and tonight the streets of Britain will be filled with riot vans armed with decibel-meters and batons.

Meanwhile, an armed SWAT team was sent to the Metropolitan force’s operational control room to track down the despicable criminals responsible for organising the kettling of harmless protesters on several occasions in recent months.

“This’ll never stand up in court,” admitted Met chief Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson cheerfully, “But that’s irrelevant, as we’ll probably have all the barristers, magistrates and judges banged up too.”