|You're facking nicked, sunshine|
With every adult under the age of 25 safely under lock and key, officers today transferred their operations to electrical shops, ready to swoop on anyone who buys a stereo system. Other squads staked out garden centres and branches of Argos, on the lookout for people buying barbecue equipment, and tonight the streets of Britain will be filled with riot vans armed with decibel-meters and batons.
Meanwhile, an armed SWAT team was sent to the Metropolitan force’s operational control room to track down the despicable criminals responsible for organising the kettling of harmless protesters on several occasions in recent months.
“This’ll never stand up in court,” admitted Met chief Sir Kim Jong-Stephenson cheerfully, “But that’s irrelevant, as we’ll probably have all the barristers, magistrates and judges banged up too.”