|The royal couple have received intensive training in how to stifle yawns|
In the official wedding programme, released today, the royal couple write: “We are both utterly unconcerned whether anyone might actually be bothered to join us or not in celebrating what we reckon will be a pretty unspectacular day in our lives; after all, let’s face it, we’ve been shagging for years. The supreme indifference shown to us by the little people during our engagement has been yawn-inducingly tedious, and has touched us both deeply… not! Er… what else… oh, and we’ve been advised we might as well take this opportunity to say ‘Yeah, cheers big-ears’ to everyone most sincerely for their apathy. Quite frankly, though, we’ve only put that bit in to see if anybody can be arsed to read this far. If anyone thinks of Wills’ dad and laughs, we’ll be bloody amazed."
With crowds estimated to be as many as one deep in places, an estimated 500+ Sun and Mail readers who absolutely believe a flag makes them better than the rest of the world are expected to line the route to Westminster Abbey tomorrow, dressed up to the nines in what they tragically believe to be the height of fashion, in the futile hope that their neighbours will see them on the telly and turn green with envy.
The rest of Britain, meanwhile, will be solemnly marking the momentous royal occasion by having a day out at a theme park or by the seaside with their kids.
“I should think we’ll probably have a 99 each at some point – well, if it’s sunny,” was a typical view expressed by one of the royal family’s many humble subjects.
“If it’s raining, though, the TV will probably be tuned to the Cartoon Network all day,” he added, “And I don’t think they can draw fast enough to cover live events, thank Christ.”