Sunday Supplement: Those Beautiful People In Full

The Nev Filter Fashion Guide To What You'll Be Wearing To This Summer's Dinner Parties

Kate: A 
The soon-to-be Duchess of Great Yarmouth, Countess of Transylvania and Baroness Cludgie amazed and delighted friends, family, royals and a third of the entire adoring population of planet Earth by daringly opting for a bridal gown, in white, with matching accessories!

It's a difficult look to carry off at a wedding - especially after nine years of shagging! - but Kate daringly risked all and came through smiling, with not the slightest whiff of disapproval from BBC head serf Huw Edwards! 



Wills: B+
The dashing, handsome and altogether fab Prince William eschewed the dreary blue serge of a Flight Lieutenant's uniform which he is actually entitled to wear, selecting instead from his dad's extensive dressing-up box the ceremonial dress uniform and medals of General Kitchener.





Princess Beatrice: D-
Well, what can you do when your tainted DNA saddles you with your father's chin and your mother's flab? Vivienne Westwood definitely drew the short straw here, and she can't be blamed if the lumpy clod doesn't know how to accessorise properly. The zinc tub (lavishly galvanized by Robinson Pelham of London)  goes over the head, dear!

Princess Eugenie: F
Proof, alas, that the gravity-defying foreheadgear of Philip Treacle is not for everyone. Eugenie's noisomely octopoid appearance sent young bridesmaids and old sea-salts alike screaming for their mummies when she flapped and clawed her way out of the car!

In this case, the stars are definitely wrong!

Queen Elizabeth II: B
Her Majesty is no stranger to weddings, having had one herself, and her chosen cylinder of fabric for the momentous occasion of her grandson and heir's nuptials was in a fetching shade of lemon-fresh yellow she first saw when a three-year-old Prince William once fished a freshener cube out of the servants' urinals at Balmoral and playfully hid it in her handbag.

And they say our Queen has no sense of humour! God bless you, Ma'am, you're a card and no mistake!


Mrs Victoria Beckham of that ilk: B+
It's always difficult to be the acme of haute couture when you're saddled with a baby bump the size of one of the radomes at Fylingdales, but naturally the former Posh Spice was born knowing that black always flatters! A Philip Treacle pasty stapled to her frontispiece topped off the ensemble, naturally.

Miss Tara Palmer-Tomkinson of It: A-
Not content to rest on her laurels with a brand new nose specially crafted for the occasion by top Harley Street surgeons, T-P-T proved herself once again to be the socialite's socialite by arriving in an arresting blue off-the shoulder foreskin. What could be a more subtle reminder to the royal couple and their guests of the billions of loyal subjects drooling over their televisions beyond the hallowed walls of Westminster Abbey?

Dame Elton John: C+
Only Dame Elton could successfully add a touch of the bohemian to formal wear, and indeed the venerable entertainer and purveyor of CDs to the prince's late mother lightened the solemnity of the service with his wild hair - and, thankfully, by refraining from trotting out some hastily-rewritten song from Honky Chateau!

British Hat Industry Marks Royal Occasion With Stunning New Look For Household Cavalry

The triumph of British millinery

World Saved From Disaster By New Arse Wrappers

If you think a £20 dress can make this look like Anna Friel, welcome to Asda

The most important news in the history of the world, as far as 50% of the population are concerned, broke today with the launch by Asda of a new range of tat which, they optimistically claim, takes into account women’s horrendous saggy arses.

“Despite increasingly strident threats of a joyless life of asexual celibacy from all corners of the media, the typical underclass slapper stubbornly persists in maintaining an imperfect set of buttocks,” explained a spokesman. “With that in mind we’ve designed the Wonderarse range of flimsy party-dress tat, which makes a futile tokenistic attempt to cover up the lumpy, man-frightening horror of British bumflaps. Although, to be brutally honest, most of you would need a plasterer.”

“In all likelihood, those words are probably far too long for our customer base,” he added. “So let me put it this way. Sling your wobbly arse into one of these dresses, girls, and premiership footballers – whom you fondly imagine are constantly trawling for fanny in the tawdry provincial knocking-shops where shrieking harpies like you piss it up – will fuck you bandy and get you in all the papers with loads of money and shit. Is that better?”

“Prices from £20, and sizes up to a slinky 20,” he added with a shudder. “They go to pieces after a bit of scrubbing, but then so do you.”

BMW Unveils Rolling iPod Dock

Spot the similarity

BMW has launched a big iPod dock with four wheels and a Mini badge on the boot, which will make your life complete.

“The four-door Mini Countryman looks like the smaller Mini in the same way that the small Mini looks like the old Mini,” confirmed an insufferable BMW creep. “Its subtle styling cues unmistakeably recall the classic design of the original, in precisely the same way that Yoko Ono reminds you of the Beatles.”

With such unforgettable Mini features as a stupidly-placed central speedometer, claustrophobia-inducing lack of interior space and pointless black lines linking the windscreen to the front wheel arch, the new car adds the all-important iPod dock, which is mounted unnecessarily on a sliding rail so it will disappear frustratingly in the direction of the back seats whenever you want to switch playlists. The range also features several 4WD models, although BMW pointed out that anyone tasteless enough to actually get mud on their Countryman will be swiftly rewarded by various bits of trim and exhaust system dropping off.

The all-powerful god of motorists, Jeremy Clarkson, has lambasted the new car, however.

“So… it’s designed by BMW, made by BMW and sold by BMW, but it’s not a BMW,” yowled the almighty. “What on earth is the point of that?”

Apple CEO Undergoes Cool Transplant

Apple has today revealed that its chief executive, Steve Jobs, underwent transplant surgery several weeks ago.

Mr Jobs, who co-founded the computer company in 1976, is understood to have had his soul removed and replaced with a cold block of granite.

"When you think Apple, you think Steve Jobs," said a cool dude spokesman. "To many of our customers, Apple stands for stylish design, instant street cred and a feeling of superiority. However, the fact is that Steve's soul began withering away to nothing as early as 1997, when we threw him a huge salary to tempt him back and give people the impression that we weren't really being run by a bunch of corporate suits. As we've relentlessly reduced what used to be a quality alternative to beige boxes to nothing more than a flashy PC with a garish, headache-inducing operating system and an eye-watering mark-up, Steve has been there to reassure you all that you are the creative elite."

"Just when some of you were starting to suss it, along came Steve with the iPod, a wonky white hard drive with a headphone socket that wasn't any different from any other MP3 player, except it forced you to pay through the nose for our iTunes downloads," he went on. "Then we fixed a couple of the bugs and sold it to you again. Then we made a smaller one that was so attractively thin it snapped if you put it in your pocket, and you still loved us. On the back of that, we relaunched our sluggish laptops by making a big issue of the fact that they were an incredibly stylish 1mm thinner than anything ever seen before - and when the batteries exploded in flames, you just went out and bought a new one. Clever, clever you. All your friends are in awe of you.

"Now Steve has managed to flog you three iPhones, just by launching them with half an operating system - and not once, but twice. You're all so hip and trendy, it hurts. I'm sure you all wish him a speedy recovery - and we hope that, with the last vestiges of his soul ruthlessly excised by the surgeon's knife, he will continue to pull the wool over your eyes for many years to come."

However, it was later reported by doctors that Mr Jobs' new granite soul had been found to have several chips and cracks, and would be replaced by slightly-improved, thinner versions on Tuesday and Friday.

Japanese Scientists Proudly Unveil Latest Geek Masturbation-Fantasy Object

Japanese researchers have unveiled a female robot, which they hope will take the place of catwalk models in the fashion industry.

Like the supermodels it may replace, the robot - named HRP-4C - has a vaguely creepy silicone face with a limited range of expression, finds it hard to understand simple instructions, walks stiffly with a unnatural gait, only weighs as much as a 12-year-old child, costs well over £1m and is of no practical use whatsoever.

While the robot has a human-like head and hands, the rest of its body is styled on a chunky mecha look derived from manga comics, meaning that any clothing it might one day model will have to be pretty chunky in the lower leg and foot department.

"We are counting on the fashion industry moving towards a silver body-armour look, which is perhaps slightly less stupid and impractical than most of its creations," explained humanoid research leader Shuji Kajita. "If that doesn't happen, then bell-bottom flares will have to come back in a big way."

British women were dubious about their cybernetic counterpart, however, and swiftly came up with a wide-ranging catalogue of highly uncomplimentary observations about HRP-4C's eyes, hair, nose, mouth, chest, waist, bum, thighs, feet, hands, knees and bumps-a-daisy.

British men, however, appeared to be extremely - and exclusively - interested in whether the robot actually had a realistic bumps-a-daisy.

The Martyrdom of Saint Laurent

The world of fashion is today mourning the loss of Yves Saint Laurent, who died yesterday at the age of 71.

The innovative designer – known to millions for having his name on loads of t-shirts – bestrode haute couture like a colossus, apparently. Before he invented fashion forty years ago, Paris seems to have been a little-known hamlet of peasants - chiefly known, if they were known at all, for dressing in cast-off Hessian potato sacks.

Saint Laurent was the first person in history to grasp the revolutionary notion that clothes could in fact be attractive objects in their own right, rather than merely a means of keeping the draught away from the bum. He personally invented hundreds of fabrics such as cotton and silk, and patented such revolutionary creations as skirts, dresses and blouses.

But it was as the inventor of getting his name on women’s chests that Saint Laurent will be forever remembered. The couturier was such a force for good in the world that he was, uniquely, canonised by the Pope while he was still alive.

Without his guiding hand at the helm, insiders fear the collapse of the entire fashion industry within weeks.