Duke And Duchess Of Cambridge ‘At It Like Knives’ All Night, Says Palace

Royal newly-weds the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, the Earl and Countess of Strathearn and Baron and Baroness Carrickfergus ran through Buckingham Palace last night as soon as the last party guest passed out drunk, shedding clothes through reception halls and along the corridors in their haste to consummate the wedding of the century, confirmed a palace spokesman today.

Crowds of leering royal sex enthusiasts waiting in the darkness outside were rewarded for their patience in the small hours when the Royal Roger was finally run up the palace flagpole, showing the traditional three cocks rampant.

Philip has been a royal aphrodisiac since Margaret got skewered

“I can confirm that - after the usual preliminaries were conducted to the satisfaction of the Duke of Edinburgh, who formally presides over this ceremony according to age-old tradition - the Duke, Earl and Baron majestically mounted the Duchess, Countess and Baroness before striding proudly out of the imperial bonkchamber with her impaled on his mighty pork sword, to admiring cheers from the palace’s assembled domestic staff,” announced recently-appointed sexquerry Sir Peter Stringfellow.

He went on to say that Prince Philip then gave the historic address – “Give her one from me, boy!” – and the royal coupling retired to a night of regency bedpost creaking which was relayed both on loudspeakers and, in a new 21st century twist, via an iPhone app to the appreciative crowd without.

Looking rather dishevelled, the newly-weds emerged this morning to fly off to an undisclosed honeymoon location, the Duchess waddling bandy-legged to the waiting helicopter and the Duke hopping along behind, with one hand holding up his dress trousers and the other waving the royal jackrabbit. Once aboard, the helicopter bounced for several minutes on its skids before a haggard-looking Prince William flopped into the pilot’s seat and lifted his chopper, wobbling unsteadily, into the skies.

Asked if the best man had spent the night doing what best men are popularly supposed to do, Sir Peter replied disdainfully, “Miss Pippa Middleton is well fit. Prince Harry’s a ginger. So guess what he was doing all night.”