Scottish First Minister Draws Helpful Map For US Senate

The Scottish government has politely declined demands to send ministers and officials to the United States to testify at a Senate hearing into the release of convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, who obstinately refuses to stop breathing despite repeated requests to do so from outraged senators.

First Minister Alex Salmond told reporters he had just faxed a map of the world to the Senate, with the United States outlined in green marker and labelled ‘US Jurisdiction’, a red circle around Scotland and a dashed line between them marked ‘3000 miles’.

“I’ve also bought a length of rope on eBay, which will be delivered to the Senate along with a helpful diagram showing them how to piss up it,” he smiled. “I hope that explains the concept of national sovereignty to them. I understand they have some trouble getting to grips with that.”

Former home secretary Jack Straw also declined the Senate’s invitation, claiming that the hearing clashed with a longstanding diary appointment for a round of golf with BP chief executive Tony Hayward, who coincidentally also happens to be on the list of people the senators would like to interrogate.

“I understand it may come as a shock to many senators to discover that there are a few remote corners of the world, like Scotland, which they don’t govern,” said a spokesman for the Home Office later. “However, if they put in a request for extraordinary rendition through the usual channels, I’m sure these ministers and officials, and any other latter-day witches on their shopping list, will fetch up in a diplomatic bag on Diego Garcia in the not-too-distant future.”