Scignhereologists Ridiculed By All Other Voodoo Cultists

Millions of people who believe all kinds of ridiculous voodoo rubbish were today laughing and pointing at Scignhereologists, in a national outbreak of imaginary moral superiority triggered by Cardiff councillor John Dixon’s official reprimand for calling their cod sci-fi fantasies “stupid”.

“Look at the stupid brainwashed fucktards,” chortled Teresa Leary, a speculative bricklayer from Cheam who is completely sure that she will live forever on some sort of singing cloud because a paper-thin wafer and a sip of cheap wine every week somehow means that she is ingesting portions of an invisible mind-reading carpenter from the Middle East.

“Sorry, I can’t talk about these poor, deluded fools right now,” apologised Jamal Sanjrani, a self-employed newsreader kneeling down in Rugeley, “If I don’t face in the exact direction of a big stone in Mecca then my prayers could well fly off into space, where aliens might read them and laugh at my innermost hopes and fears.”

“How, in this day and age, can anyone seriously believe that for several lifetimes it completely slipped their minds that they were the literal embodiment of some absurd mumbo-jumbo cosmic life force?” scoffed Starchild Moonflower, a government dreamcatcher from Aldermaston. “Surely by now everybody knows that the cosmic life force is in each and every one of us, and that the good karma star and the bad karma star have now been scientifically observed in a binary orbit by the Hubble telescope? It’s on the internet.”

“A’m a fucken’ witch, aye,” observed Wee Billy Bampot, a full-time drunk from Glasgow.