Washed-Up Snackhead Like Totally Freaked Out By Prison Sentence

Zoinks indeed

Shaggy, the half-forgotten snack addict who used to be on TV all the time in the 70s and 80s, was reported to still be “totally freaking” as he started an eight-week custodial sentence in Pentonville for being zonked out whilst in charge of a motor vehicle.

The notorious stoner was clearly nervous as he stood in the dock, with huge droplets of sweat leaping from his head as the prosecution described how he was found by the Hampstead sheriff slumped at the wheel of the Mystery Machine and covered in tell-tale Scooby Snack crumbs, after crashing it into old Mr Peters’ photography shop in the hick town’s main street.

Summing up, district judge John Perkins said that, although he had taken Shaggy’s charitable work into account – namely, the unmasking of several devious villains, who had been scaring the townsfolk away by rather implausibly dressing up as monsters and spooks – he could not ignore the defendant’s previous record of driving away from ghostly projections in a reckless manner, nor his string of previous snack-abuse convictions.

When the sentence was delivered, Shaggy leapt to his feet, gasped “Zoinks!” and began revving his legs on the spot like flywheels, causing some damage to the floor of the courtroom as two burly ushers seized his arms and dragged him back to the cells, his legs still flailing helplessly.

In a statement on the courtroom steps after the trial, Fred, his long-term partner, told the press that Shaggy “would have got clean away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those pesky plods.”

Home Office Facing Calls For Decriminalisation Of Attempting To Murder Bad People

Concerned Daily Mail readers expressing their idea of justice

There are mounting demands today for the removal of penalties for attempted murder, as long as the victim isn’t a very nice person, after bad man Ian Huntley tried to claim compensation for the prison service’s duty-of-care failure to prevent a fellow inmate from slashing his throat.

“Ian Huntley is a cunt. Nobody likes ‘im,” said Norman Brennan, the founder of the Nice Victims of Crime Trust, echoing the voice of the people. “So it’s perfectly acceptable, in my book, for one bad ‘un to be wanderin’ round a maximum security nick with a razor in ‘is hand till he bumps into some even naughtier fucker, then do ‘is level best to rip the bastard’s throat out. Where’s the ‘arm in that, eh?”

“Know what? If I ‘ad my way, I’d give guns to all the wrong ‘uns in Britain and just let the fuckers take each other out, like what they do in them Mexican border towns,” raged the retired police officer. “That’s my idea of law and order.”

“It would all work just fine if their bloody government didn’t keep poking their nose in from time to time,” he added. “Bags full of coppers’ heads litterin’ the place – now that ain’t so nice. But that don’t mean the idea ain’t sound.”

Millionaire Released From Prison After Terrible Misunderstanding

Convicted fraudster Conrad Black was released from Coleman Federal Prison in Florida on bail today, after the US authorities agreed that prison was certainly no place for a wealthy tycoon and it was probably all due to some ghastly mix-up.

“Our federal and state prisons are positively bursting at the seams with poor people,” said District Judge Amy St Eve. “That is who they are designed for. They are clearly not the ideal base of operations for a wealthy and cultured peer, whose only misdemeanour was to thoughtfully divert $6m of his shareholders’ money into his personal bank account so he could watch over it all the more carefully for them. If he didn’t tell them, why, surely that is because he would have felt deep embarrassment at the thought of being lavished with fulsome praise for such a typically selfless and charitable act.”

Lord Black's release comes after the Supreme Court ruled that one of the three laws used in his prosecution was a bit vaguely worded in places, making it all but certain that he had in fact done nothing even slightly questionable at any time in his entire life, as is usually the case with ruthless megalomaniacs who secretively micro-manage their vast business empires via an impenetrable tangle of mystery accounts.

The former proprietor of the Daily Telegraph initially applied for leave to return to Canada, as he was pining for the rugged forest slopes of his homeland. However, he kindly agreed to make do with his luxurious Palm Beach residence instead, while his lawyers worked out how much the federal authorities should reimburse him for the unimaginable torment of sharing a lavatory with the poor for a couple of years.

Unrepentant Biggs Unleashes Second Rail Crime Spree

Railways in Britain are in chaos today, as freed train robber Ronnie Biggs celebrates his 80th birthday - and release from prison on compassionate grounds - by holding up trains all over Network South East.

Aided by a freshly-recruited cohort of evil doctors and nurses, Biggs has been parking his hospital bed on tracks in isolated areas, forcing oncoming trains to screech to an emergency halt. The stroke-crippled criminal then issues orders to his henchmen by slowly pointing to letters on a board, whereupon they swarm all over the halted train, beat the coachwork out of shape with iron bars and make their getaway in an unmarked ambulance.

"It's not even as if they're stealing anything this time," said a shocked British Transport Police inspector. "Biggs just seems to be holding up trains for the sheer fun of it. We knew he was a very sick man, but not this sick."

Horrified pensioner Tony Hastings, who spent eight years campaigning for a pardon for the Great Train Robber, has vowed to track down the evil villain and hand him over to the forces of law and order. He was the first to raise the alarm, when he turned up at the Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital with a bunch of grapes, only to be presented with an empty room on an unstaffed ward and an illegible note written by one of Bigg's doctor minions, which trained pharmacists are still struggling to decipher.

"I've been such a fool," said the red-faced do-gooder. "Biggs had me fooled completely. I thought he was a sick old man who just wanted to die at home with dignity. But the unpalatable truth is that he's a sick old man who intends to hold up a train for every single day of his captivity."

Clinton Searching World For More Babes To Free

Former US President Bill Clinton is said to be eagerly combing the world's jails for some more good-looking women to set free, as reporters Laura Ling and Euna Lee were reunited with their rejoicing families in Los Angeles after his intervention secured their release from imprisonment in North Korea.

British serial killer Rose West is already reported to be taking more of an interest in her appearance - although she is thought to come some way down the list from Burma's leading prisoner-of-conscience, Aung San Suu Kyi, whom the former president movingly described as "one hot MILF."

"From President Clinton's viewpoint, Mrs West's problem is that she is - not to put too fine a point on it - a fugly, murdering troll," said his press spokesman, Robert Gibbs.

Reports that the ex-president might soon be paying a compassionate visit to Guantanamo Bay were rapidly quashed by Mr Gibbs - although he refused to be drawn on suggestions that President Obama's Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton, might take a leaf out of her husband's book.

Straw Bans Laughter in Jail

The Secretary of State for Justice, Jack Straw, has axed a comedy workshop held in Whitemoor Prison, Cambridgeshire, after it emerged that some prisoners taking the course may have cracked a smile or two when they were meant to be suffering the unceasing torments demanded by the righteous vengeance of society.

“Prisons should be places of punishment and reform, and providing educational, training and constructive pursuits is an essential part of this,” he said. “But the types of courses available, and the manner in which they are delivered, must be appropriate in every prison.”

“There is a crucial test,” he continued. “Will the tabloids holler if they get wind of it? In this case the answer is undoubtedly ‘of course they fucking will’ - so, regardless of the fact that comedians working the circuit are not generally known for their heinous criminal activities, this course has been cancelled and will be replaced by a giant, useless treadmill, covered in grease, to which prisoners will be chained for sixteen hours a day. And horsewhipped. Happy now?”

The BBC, meanwhile, has apologised for the comedy series ‘Porridge’, which Mr Straw says gives the false impression that, on occasion, things may take place in the day-to-day activities within a prison which could give rise to an occasional wry smile on the face of a prisoner. DVDs of the series, starring the notorious criminal mastermind Ronnie Barker, have been pulled from retailers’ shelves and destroyed, along with the master tapes.

The BBC says it is working on a new series - provisionally called ‘Gang-Buggered Bastards of Belmarsh‘ - which it hopes will permanently de-glamorise life inside, in the eyes of the viewing public.

Caught Napo-ing

The prison officers’ union, Napo, has claimed that prisoners with a history of domestic violence are still being released from prison up to 18 days early, a year after the problem was first highlighted.

Violent offenders are not eligible for the government’s “end of custody licence” scheme, but Napo claimed that wife-beaters were slipping through, and says that in just four days its members came up with a list of nearly 30 cases.

“The scheme was introduced quickly and is clearly flawed,” said assistant general secretary Harry Fletcher. “These vicious thugs come out of prison, go straight round to the missus and bounce her off the walls with a cricket bat. If only they had spent those last 18 days of their sentence in prison, these horrific incidents would simply not occur.

“Well, not for another 18 days, anyway.”

Let My People Get Off With Community Service

A coalition of charities is, for the first time, lobbying the UK government to stop jailing women convicted of non-violent crimes.

“Women’s needs have never been very influential in the design or concept of prisons,” said Teresa Elwes of the Bromley Trust.

According to the Howard League for Penal Reform, “Women in custody remain locked into an inhumane system with heavy-handed levels of punishment, poorly-trained staff, inadequate healthcare and sparse opportunities for rehabilitation and family contact.”

The report notes that male inmates are frequently asked if their prisons could be rebuilt to suit them better, with kindly, caring prison officers and Harley Street consultants on hand to minister to their needs and desires.

“All we are saying is that all women are delicate little flowers, apart from the chavs who eat their own young of course,” said convicted drug baroness Enid ‘The Godmother’ Blyton. “The system doesn’t take into account the extenuating circumstances of most female criminals, which are invariably caused by some bloke or other - like our dads, husbands and pimps. I should be let out immediately - my customers are suffering from severe withdrawal symptoms and it’s hard for me to care for them while some work-experience screws are stamping on my head while cruelly denying me my right to breast enlargement therapy.”

Men around Britain’s prisons agreed, saying that none of them had ever had it so rough as women. “Me and me mates had privileged middle-class backgrounds where we wanted for nothing,” said Norman Stanley Fletcher from his penthouse cell. “Women should be allowed to commit all the crime they want. And then send the proceeds to me, care of HMP Slade know what I mean?”

Lucy in the Nick with Diamonds

Drugs worth an estimated £100m a year are being traded in Britain’s prisons, claims the former head of drug treatment policy at the National Offender Management Service. Huseyin Djemil argues that the prison service has failed to grasp the scale of the drugs market.

However, Gordon Brown hailed the news as proof that the nation continues to lead the world in opening up innovative new markets.

“If enterprising British drug dealers can extract £100m from criminals doing time inside our jails,” said the Prime Minister, “Just think how much they could make if they were allowed into prisons around the world.”

He added that he would press other nations at the next G8 summit to open up their detention centres to British dealers, in the interests of free trade.