Racism Abolished

The newspaper industry today gave itself a huge pat on the back for single-handedly bringing about the end of racism, after Gary Dobson and David Norris were convicted of the 1993 murder of Stephen Lawrence – a conviction secured solely on the evidence of a fearless accusation on the front page of that legendary anti-racist campaigner, the Daily Mail.

In the wake of the British media industry’s tireless campaigning for fairness, decency and understanding, the British National Party and the English Defence League have both announced their immediate disbanding and issued abject apologies for the stupid and misguided opinions they used to express, the ordinary British public are hugging Polish workers in the streets and a contrite David Cameron has changed his mind on the Euro crisis.

Our staunch upholder of tolerance and understanding

“Had it not been for the heroic decision of the Daily Mail to openly flout Britain’s libel laws by calling Dobson and Norris murderers, inviting them to pay all the costs of taking on the best-paid libel lawyers in the land entirely out of their own pockets, the police would still be incompetent and institutionally racist to the core, and there would still be racist attacks taking place on a daily basis on the streets of this utterly tolerant nation,” said every national paper.

“What other country in the world would allow its newspapers to libel with impunity anyone we take a dislike to, safe in the knowledge that only the very wealthiest individuals would dare to take on the staggering financial burden of a legal challenge, knowing that even if they win they may well only get awarded a pound in damages?” they concluded. “So hooray for Britain, and hooray for us.”

“On other pages: Why We Still Reckon Jo Yeates’ Weirdo Landlord Must Be A Kiddy Fiddler, Or Something,” they added smugly.

Whine About This, Holmes, You Sexless Empty-Headed Jowly Cry-Baby

Talentless, simpering, dough-faced TV gutbucket Eamonn Holmes is probably in tears as he reads this unnecessarily spiteful and deeply personal attack, said the Nev Filter today.

The satirical website made its unwarranted slurs in response to the insipid suit-bursting nobody’s complaint to the BBC about a sketch on Jon Culshaw’s The Impressions Show, in which the boring breakfast TV and Sky News parasite was depicted eating a sofa, a jockey and a vase of flowers.

Inviting the nonsensically egotistic lardarse to do his worst, the Nev Filter expresses the opinion that it is sadly typical of the spineless drones who now infest BBC management suites to roll over and apologise for the cardinal sin of making a joke in a comedy programme.

“Come on, fatboy, do your worst - because I’m not retracting a single word,” Nev is quoted as saying. “Everybody knows the only reason you’re taking up sofa space on our screens is because your wife Ruth Langsford - whom producers mistakenly believe has some sort of MILF appeal – doesn’t dare leave you alone for five minutes in a house with a freezer full of bacon and oven chips.”

Media commentators agree that cannibal piggy Holmes will have to take his place in a long line of outraged self-important nonentities with a grievance against the Nev Filter.

“To give just one tragic example, national treasure Stephen Fry hasn’t stopped sobbing his lovably baggy eyes out after being taken to task for caring more about his collection of Apple toys than Chinese workers’ rights by some fat beardy internet troll in Plymouth,” says a BBC spokesman. “Shit.”

“On behalf of the BBC, I hereby offer an unequivocal grovelling apology to Nev for the outrageous and unjustified slur I’ve just made,” he adds.

Prostitute Wins Libel Payout

Finally, we’ve just heard that a prostitute has won a substantial libel payout over allegations in the Sunday Mirror that she was formerly a member of Atomic Kitten.

“My client has been very hurt and embarrassed by the utterly false claim that she used to be Kerry Katona,” said the prostitute’s solicitor, “And now I’m looking forward to collecting my fee.”

That All-Purpose Apology In Full

In the light of the massive £550,000 libel settlement paid out by Express Newspapers for publishing a complete load, falsely suggesting that the McCanns might have bumped off their own daughter, the Nev Filter would like to take this opportunity to prostrate itself in abject abasement, in the earnest hope of avoiding a similar fate on any number of fronts.

We would like to clarify the following points:

The Airbus A380 is not a fuel-guzzling insult to the entire planet; will not be restricted to a small number of airports willing to spend hundreds of millions upgrading their facilities to handle it; and will most assuredly not cause a media frenzy of unprecedented proportions if one should one day drop out of the sky and kill an unprecedented number of hapless travellers.

The Ministry of Defence does not waste vast sums of taxpayers’ money on equipment designed to fight a war that ended nearly 20 years ago; regards the safety and long-term welfare of its troops as its paramount duty; and is very keen to have any of its rare failings exposed to the harshest public scrutiny on order that it may humbly learn from its mistakes and ensure that they are never repeated.

The Metropolitan Police did not execute an innocent Brazilian electrician by emptying their guns into his head in full view in a busy public space; and were certainly not so badly supervised that they nearly shot a separate team of their own officers, who were certainly not holding him down at the time.

The poor and disadvantaged are not easy targets for government ministers eager to compete for the tender affections of the writers of the Daily Mail leader columns. They are, of course, all feckless, workshy loafers who hurtle around in brand-new BMWs, live in palatial 14-bedroomed council houses and whose only source of back pain comes from staggering out of the Jobcentre hauling suitcases full of benefits which are gaily flung at them by smiling, solicitous officials from the ever-bountiful Department for Work and Pensions.

We at the Nev Filter apologise unreservedly for our cynical – and, it goes without saying, utterly unfounded – lies and misrepresentations, which we sorrowfully admit were made for the sole purpose of fomenting mayhem, anarchy and bloody revolution on the streets of Britain by whipping up the notorious rent-a-mob expatriates of the Canary Islands into an unstoppable army of murderous, howling lunatics. Sorry.