‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser Makes Bid For Channel Four

Following the news that Ofcom has abandoned any pretence at guaranteeing the quality of British television by allowing former pornographer and bullying thug Richard Desmond to buy Five, the notorious underworld celebrity ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser has had himself fired from a trebuchet into the regulator’s Riverside House headquarters in London, carrying a sackful of used fivers to make them an offer for Channel 4 they can’t refuse.

A shaken Ed Richards – CEO of the communications regulator – later emerged from his office with a broken nose and two black eyes to announce that Mr Fraser was exactly the sort of public-spirited philanthropist who could be entrusted with a major TV station, if only Channel 4 was for sale. He begged the government to consider placing the publicly-owned channel on the market, for the sake of his knees.

Mr Desmond, meanwhile, told reporters he would apply all of his experience of running the Daily Express, OK! Magazine, Television X and Red Hot TV to the task of making Five the first TV station to feature daily updates on the death of Princess Diana, at the same time promising exclusive footage of her lookalikes engaging in multi-orgasmic sex with a glittering showcase of third-rate celebrities in exotic locations.