CPS: Courtroom Not The Appropriate Forum To Judge Evidence

The Metropolitan Police Force’s inalienable right to kill you was upheld today by the Crown Prosecution Service, when it dropped all charges against the police officer who inexplicably decked innocent bystander Ian Tomlinson, who died moments later, as the G20 protests were going on in the distance.

“There is no realistic prospects of a conviction against the police officer in question for any offence arising from the matter investigated,” mumbled Director of Public Prosecutions Keir Starmer, a man to whom language does not come easily.

“We got medicinal experts saying one things and another about why Mr Tomlinson pegged out, see?” he explained. “If us clever-clogs at the CPS isn’t figure out how this woman died, how can we inspect a judge and jury to figures it all out in a court of laws? It’s unpossible.”

The officer who suddenly lashed out for no reason, knocking Mr Tomlinson to the ground, was probably being deliberately targeted by an anarchist cranefly which cynically used the newspaper vendor as a human shield, suggested Mr Starmer. As such, he went on, the unnamed officer was using reasonable force to defend himself, and indeed displayed admirable restraint in not leaping on Mr Tomlinson and tearing him apart with his bare teeth.

A spokesman for Mr Tomlinson’s family said that the decision was “a disgrace”. He is now helping the Metropolitan Police with their enquiries into the whereabouts of the rest of the family, and is not expected to live.