Milburn To Investigate Eton Rifles

Arch-Blairite former minister Alan Milburn has been appointed by Gordon Brown to look into social mobility in modern Britain, it was announced today. A particular area of focus is said to be the British Army, 90% of whose officers went to private schools.

"I say, it's really very simple," said a general speaking anonymously off the record, for fear of being ribbed mercilessly at his club. "You might find it hard to credit, old boy, but just because one's parents are loaded it doesn't necessarily follow that one is in the Einstein league. Haven't you ever wondered why private schools have cadet forces? It's a kind of thicky-sponge for the dolts who are plainly in no danger of setting foot inside a proper university. Clever buggers generally eliminate themselves anyway, thanks to their tiresome habit of asking 'What for?' every time they're given a stupid, petty order. That leaves a hard core of dense, but keen-as-mustard NCOs who soon develop a fondness for yelling and genuinely believe there is considerable intrinsic value in polishing boots. After a couple of years, it penetrates even their thick skulls that their career options are, basically, either shelf-stacking with the hoi polloi, or strutting around like little tin gods and shouting orders at them instead. So they join the army - and because they can use a knife and fork, we make them officers."

"If there's some glimmer of native intelligence, the RAF or the Navy generally get them," he added mournfully. "At the end of the day, there's really only so much damage a fuckwit can create with a tank before somebody notices. But a strike fighter or a nuclear sub? God Almighty, it doesn't bear thinking about, does it? Pass the port, there's a good chap - no, not that way, damn you! Don't they teach you anything in state schools?"

Mr Milburn said he would begin his investigation by studying the case of one particular member of the officer cadre from a privileged upbringing - one Lieutenant Wales - who sees nothing wrong in hurling racist abuse, dressing up in Nazi uniform, or punching photographers who spot him staggering out of the nightclubs where he spends most of his time.