Consumers Wondering Exactly When Britain’s Farmers Seceded From Europe

The European Union

As the National Farmers’ Union warned that Britain was about to be inundated by billions of “cheap, unwanted cucumbers from within the EU”, bewildered shoppers were left wondering just when the nation’s farms relocated themselves beyond Europe’s borders.

Showing an admirable set of priorities in the middle of a major health scare, the NFU smoothly glossed over the rather disturbing fact that nobody has the faintest idea which country the E.coli-infected vegetables are coming from. Admirably, it has decided to concentrate instead on the all-important goal of preventing Britain’s cash-strapped shoppers from getting a bargain out of the surplus cucumbers that Russia has banned.

“We have spoken to all of Britain’s major retailers to seek assurances that they are backing British growers and charging a rip-off price for their product,” said NFU board member Sarah Pettitt. “And we’re relieved to hear that they’re more than happy to keep charging well over the odds for British veg which, for all anybody knows, might just as easily be the source of the infection as any other member state.”

“Except, of course, our cucumbers couldn’t possibly be infected with E.coli, because that’s only affecting stocks originating from somewhere in the EU,” she corrected herself hastily. “Which, as any fool knows, stops at the English Channel.”

EU Wants You To Starve

The ruthless, dictatorial European Union has cynically approved a ban on toxic, carcinogenic pesticides which will bring about the complete cessation of agricultural activity in Britain and lead to inevitable mass starvation, according to the government, the Conservative Party and the National Farming Union.

The arrogant Eurocrats ignored moving assurances from the UK government that the loyal British consumer would gladly embrace an agonising death from cancer, if it would rescue the much-loved farming community from the inconvenience of having to read the instructions on the many non-cancerous agrochemicals still available to them.

"See this? It's a carrot," said a horny-handed son of the soil with a comedy rural accent, a tweed cap and a muddy wax jacket, who was wheeled out by the NFU to create the impression that farming was in some way not completely dominated by huge corporate landowners and supermarket chains. "Take a good look, because thanks to the evil followers of Hitler and Mussolini in Brussels you'll never see one again. Fact."