The government has revealed plans to take the enormous sub-prime mortgage debts off the hands of stupid, greedy banks, and dump them all in your lap instead.
"This is bloody brilliant news, old boy," crowed a senior director, one of a group of leading City figures staggering drunkenly out of Spearmint Rhino. "It's damned good of old Prudence to give us absolute carte blanche to carry on throwing money away with reckless abandon on dodgy deals that would clearly be too good to be true, if only we weren't wilfully blinded by our sheer, naked avarice to give them even the most cursory once-over. Thank heavens for the great British public, eh? Cheers!"
The BBC's Robert Peston sounded a note of caution, however, saying that the government's plans to set up a state-owned 'bad bank' full of toxic debts might yet stall.
"There are huge difficulties in valuing the assets to be placed in them," he warned, "Mainly because they have absolutely no value whatsoever, and never will."
Meanwhile, champagne-vomiting bankers were dancing in the City streets, and jabbering excitedly about wasting mind-boggling amounts of money on perpetual-motion machines, alchemy research and speculative buy-to-let apartments on the sun.
"Alternatively, we might just build a stonking great pile of banknotes in Trafalgar Square, and when it reaches the top of Nelson's Column, set fire to the whole bloody lot," giggled one inebriated Head of Corporate Investments. "Then we'll sell the ashes to Gordon for twice the amount, and he can give a nice decorative urn to all the little people who are too stupid to avoid paying taxes."
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