Today's surveys uncover the shocking truth that 29% of the litter clogging Britain's streets comes from mutant high-flyers with abnormally-elongated ring fingers who are frightened by the ongoing decline in Britain's economy, have failed to escape from the social deprivation of their lower-class backgrounds and stuff their faces at McDonalds.
"If anybody out there has the faintest idea of what this proves - please, please let us know," begged a spokesman for the Social Chambers of Keep Cambridge Mobility Commerce Tidy.
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