Gordon Brown has held a jobs summit today in which he outlined his latest bright ideas for fiddling the unemployment figures.
Top of the list was the planned introduction of a scheme whereby anyone in a suit will be able to walk into their local Jobcentre and walk out with £2500 and a jobless waster to dispose of as they wish.
Another idea is the setting up of a worldwide 'jobless offset' trading scheme, in which governments burdened by a benefits system will be able to pay to ship bone-idle scum to poor countries, where they can safely be left to starve.
The Prime Minister is also looking with interest at Zimbabwe's innovative system of using surplus dumb creatures to feed their troops.
"Thanks to our well-meaning but misguided predecessors, we have inherited a white elephant of a welfare state which has left us with a surplus of nearly two million workshy dossers," he announced. "Sending these unwanted animals to the abattoir could keep our brave lads and lasses safe from starvation for years."
When it was suggested that the long-term unemployed might benefit from receiving a £2500 'golden hello' themselves if they managed to find work, the PM fainted dead away, and had to be revived with smelling salts.
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