Apple shares soared on Nasdaq, as traders toasted the eagerly-awaited launch of a US Department of Justice anti-trust investigation into the groovy exploding-gadget giant’s attempt to bully music companies into boycotting an Amazon promotion.
The latest must-have inquiry will complement Apple’s expanding range of regulatory breaches which are generating ardent reviews, including the iconic Federal Trade Commission investigation into the rewriting of the iPhone’s SDK developer agreement to effectively forbid the use of rival Adobe’s software.
The news that 419,990 inmates of the voluntary concentration camp in China where iPhones and iPads are assembled have still not yet chosen to dash their brains out by leaping off their seven-storey dormitory blocks, rather than endure one more soul-consuming 12-hour shift, also helped to consolidate Apple’s commanding $222bn position at the end of the day as the world’s leading electronics exploiter.
“Apple’s absolute contempt for law and life is the stuff of dreams,” said one ecstatic Wall Street trader. “How could I not buy shares in a vampiric entity which is the very embodiment of the values I hold so dear?”
“Perhaps one day they’ll even pay a dividend on their shares,” he added. “But oh, how deliciously evil it would be if they didn’t! Steve Jobs - my master - you are truly the Lord of All That Is Unholy.”
“Yeah, I saw some story about some dead Chinaman and I felt like rilly sad for a minute, but then I saw this fantastic new app which displays a picture of a Zippo so I can wave it around at Sting concerts,” said a punch-inviting twat who tells his awful, vapid friends he’s a graphic designer, although he just types up small ads for a property freesheet. “No contest.”
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