Your hollow life will improve beyond all recognition from 6pm tonight, when Apple's latest shiny gadget goes on sale without the time-wasting charade of a product launch.
The highly-desirable object's function and form have been kept a closely-guarded secret, and Apple plan to steal a march on their commercial rivals by keeping it that way.
"Trust me when I say that owning this latest Apple device will make you the envy of all your friends," said a high priest from the cutting-edge manufacturer of tech toys. "It will do everything you ever dreamed of, and many things you didn't, because - unlike us - you are constrained by your feeble human imaginations. Go forth and place your orders. Now."
The product's price is also being kept strictly under wraps. Gadget-addicted Apple worshippers will be ordered to provide their bank account details and sign a gagging clause, under which they will have their kneecaps removed if they ever disclose how much money was taken out - or indeed show the dream technology to anyone, even close family members.
For weeks, the world of pointless gadgetry has been rife with speculation concerning the transformational new Apple product.
"It could be a revolutionary new computer which dispenses with the input/output interface completely," said tech-blogger Josh Geake. "Or it could be a perpetual motion machine, or a pocket-sized gryphon, or possibly God in a shiny white box."
"One thing is sure," he added. "Whatever happens, under no circumstances will the battery spontaneously burst into flames - ow, my fucking knees..."
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