Happy 2010 From Apple!

Each pattern is satisfyingly unique

Achingly hip iPhone 4 users gradually woke up this afternoon to a cheerful greeting from the gadget that makes them better than the likes of us, wishing them a smug and superior 2010 from Apple.

“Here at Apple HQ, we’re confident that 2010 will prove to be even more exciting than 2011 was!” commented chief prick Steve Jobs, in a seasonal text message to his global mindslave community.

“I’m sure my supervisor will understand my non-arrival this morning when I tell him that my iPhone decided, for undoubtedly excellent reasons I don’t need to bother myself with, that I didn’t need to go to work today,” smiled self-styled ‘web designer’ Josh Geake, one of many insufferable twats whose iPhone alarm has chosen not to go off this year. “I feel nothing but pity for all the cattle whose cheap, inferior technology forced them to rejoin the rat race today.”

“I also feel sorry for all those bottom-feeders who have to post photos all over the internet without the hallmark green blob in the middle, thus proclaiming to the world that they are too poor to own an iPhone,” he yawned. “And it’s hard to believe, but these Luddites are still unaware that the plus sign is now the international symbol for turning the volume down.”

“My beloved £800 iPhone has revolutionised my social life,” he added with a self-satisfied smirk. “If it wasn’t for those ultra-fashionable yellow dots on the screen, über-cool cracks in the back panel and a string of exciting undocumented features involving the virtual camera shutter, proximity sensor, battery life and 3G speed and waiting to discover the correctly hip way to hold it, I’d never have had so many opportunities to inteface with so many beautiful trend-setters just like me queueing up for hours at the Genius Bar.”

Tragically, Stephen Fry was unable to offer a characteristically witty insight into the latest exciting iPhone drama, presumably because he was still snoring away merrily.