iPhone Now Comes With Inbred Born-Again Weirdo As Standard

The latest incarnation of the iPhone has accepted Jesus Christ into its life as its personal Lord and Saviour, acknowledged Apple today, after users seeking abortion clinics reported that they had been sent by Siri – the virtual assistant built into every iPhone 4S – to parenting centres run by fundamentalist anti-abortion campaigners instead.

Oh no, not again

“I only wanted to find out a bit about the morning-after pill,” complained shocked trendy Shelley Haeckel, 19, a student at the University of Texas. “Now my iPhone is calling me a painted Jezebel harlot every hour, on the hour and urging me to repent all my sins and beg for God’s sweet salvation right now, or writhe in the hellfire of damnation for all eternity. And I’m not even pregnant.”

Other users have reported that their fundamentalist phones have deliberately them sent to the reptile house of the nearest zoo and challenged them to wrangle poisonous snakes as proof of their faith in Jesus, or insisted that the Rapture will definitely take place on the first anniversary of Steve Jobs’ death, when only the 4,000 most righteous Apple fanatics will be carried up into heaven.

“Unfortunately, Siri’s personality is only in the beta stage and we’ve still got a few wrinkles to iron out,” admitted Apple Corp spokeswoman Natalie Kerris. “We hope to roll out an upgrade soon and, although your iPhone’s freedom of religious belief is protected by the First Amendment, we hope to at least be able to persuade Siri to switch from all-out Southern Batshit mode to Episcopalian, where it will confine itself to merely tutting if you fail to attend worship on Sunday.”

Technology experts warned: "It's Mr Paperclip joining the Scientologists all over again."