|The murderous act a numbed America is already calling 2/6|
Miss Aguilera seemed harmless at first, pitching the first four words correctly, but then millions of horrified viewers heard her turn the word ‘see’ into a hideous polysyllabic warble. But worse was to follow.
“Aguilera’s task was to sing 85 notes,” growled America’s foremost musicologist, Professor Ignatius Pop, 91. “Yet she unashamedly yodelled no less than 857 of the bastards before being wrestled to the ground by shocked officials, dragged off the pitch and handed over to federal marshals.”
“She further insulted this great nation by altering the lyrics, deliberately keeping her eyes on the twilight when she should have been watching our glorious flag,” snarled the venerable professor’s puppet twin. “And the goddam traitor didn’t even have the humility to atone for her heinous crimes by flopping her hooters out. I’m tearing up her insurance policy right now, the bitch.”
In the muted silence that followed, the Green Bay Packers scored a hollow and meaningless victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers in a softies’ version of rugby where all the players look like extras from ‘Deliverance’ at a Michelin man-themed fancy dress party.