Britain On Brink Of Civil War Between Fans Of Adele And Blur

War is declared

Battle lines are being rapidly drawn throughout Britain today, after Adele’s planned Brit Awards rant against the music-industry “suits” who plucked her from obscurity was sensationally cut short last night to allow fellow millionaires Blur to plod through their grandad-pleasing set, with families being rent asunder by sharply-divided loyalties which threaten to pit fathers against daughters and sons against mothers.

“I applaud Adele’s brave and principled stance against the penis-waving music moguls who cynically showered her with awards just to shift units and make her a household name,” said Berkshire mum Jen Hayes, who has annexed all the cutlery in preparation for a long and bloody conflict. “And if that stupid husband of mine utters another word about Damon bloody All-Bran he’ll be spending his nights on the living-room sofa from now on, trying to cuddle up to the dog.”

Her 14-year-old son Josh has already suffered the tragic loss of both testicles on the way to school, after suicidally telling elder sister Chelsea that the only similarity between Adele and R&B legend Aretha Franklin is their dress size.