Record Label In Search For Lowest Publicity Stunt

Classical music label Decca has launched a global search for the deepest human voice ever heard, after composer and idiot Paul Mealor squeezed out a piece which is physically impossible to sing.

“Mr Mealor was famous for five minutes when a tribe of squaddies’ cockwarmers wailed their way to the top of the Christmas charts with his profound meditation on separation and loss, ‘Whoever You Are’ , so obviously we need to cash in fast before his name drops out of the back of your head forever,” said a Decca spokesman. “Unfortunately, the only thing this fucktard’s managed to bang out since Christmas demands the services of a vocalist with a throat the size of a hatchback. And, unless we can teach a whale to sing in Latin, there’s nothing in the natural world which can hit three octaves below middle E.”

This does not exist, and neither do computers

“Fortunately for us, voice-transforming gadgets have been available cheaply since 1996 so, from a technical point of view, it’s not really a problem,” he added. “And they work in real-time, too, so that covers the quick cash-in tour - which is how we usually try to recoup the cost of recording a CD nobody is ever going to buy. But then we came up with this brilliant idea for a publicity stunt. Here goes.”

“Ahem. Dis shout going out to anybody what gots a throat the size of a fanny magnet,” he warned the public. “Bluds! Bluds! All you gots to do is convince yourself your bath-time grunts is like waaay better than the perfectly-modulated tonality of a trained world-class professional, then tell all your chav mates with wicked sound systems in their wheelz that you is be shouting out to all your homeys on the long-playing Decca release of da hipster Paul Mealor’s subwoofa-pumpin’ ‘De Profundis’ innit.”

“Standard,” he added shiftily.