W. Ankr Rose Declares ‘War’ On Festivals

It's past your bedtime, grandad

Guns N’Roses singer W. Ankr Rose today declared war on Leeds and Reading, after organisers dared to ask his band to shut the fuck up, or there might never be another Leeds Festival.

After killing the festival mood stone dead by leaving fans waiting for half an hour while Ankr’s ego was pumped up to the size of a zeppelin, the has-been band eventually plodded noisily through their tired back catalogue, droning on for twenty tedious minutes past the already-extended curfew before coming back on stage to piss all over the festival some more.

The incident followed similar behaviour the day before at the Reading Festival, where Guns N’Roses sauntered onstage an hour late after Ankr’s head became stuck in a door.

A toy thrown from Ankr’s stretch pram later contained a scathing message to the festival’s organisers, informing them that if people were so concerned over a little bit of noise late at night, “they shoulda evacuated their shitty little towns and villages for the weekend.”

Festival boss Melvin Benn responded by pointing out that Mr Rose’s inability to read a watch had jeopardised the entire future of both events by flouting the agreed curfew, as other acts half his age shook their heads sadly and commented that 48 was a bit old to still be acting like a spotty teenager.

A purple-faced Mr Ankr replied by deploying his guns along the A1(M) close to the Leeds festival site, from where they began firing at crews who were dismantling the main stage. Meanwhile, his bomber fleet dropped deadly clusters of roses between Hare Hatch and Kiln Green, littering the site of the Reading Festival with petals.