Britain's security has been fatally compromised and we can expect to fall into the clutches of SPECTRE by Tuesday afternoon, warned Tory MP Patrick Mercer, the chairman of the parliamentary Counter-Terrorism Sub-Committee, after potential details of Agent 007 appeared on the social networking site Facebook.
According to the information posted by Commander James Bond's 7,625 former girlfriends, seduced femmes fatales, one-night stands and car-park quickies, Britain's top superspy drinks dry Martinis, wears dozens of expensive watches and drives very fast cars.
"This highly-sensitive data would be invaluable to the enemies of freedom," quavered a trembling Mr Mercer. "We are desperately trying to track down every woman whom Commander Bond has ever fondled, groped or poked."
"As you can imagine, the task is a formidable one," he added.
Facebook's creator and chief executive has, however, been quick to reassure the Secret Service that the top-secret posts have already been removed from public display.
"There is nothing whatsoever to worry about," said Ernst Stavro Blofeld. "The weak, vulnerable British government can trust us to locate and destroy any information which might be used to contribute to Agent 007's downfall. Facebook has built a very big data shredder, the like of which the world has never seen, in our headquarters inside a hollowed-out volcanic island - and I would like to cordially invite Mr Bond to come and inspect it for himself at close quarters."
The last occurrence of a security breach of similar magnitude took place in 1979, when spymaster M was on the receiving end of a well-mixed molotov - despite being equipped with an ingenious boogie-capable suitcase - as a direct consequence of talking about pop musik in New York, London, Paris and Munich.
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