The Human Resources staff at Manchester Airport are inundated with emailed CVs and oddly-stained letters of application for the unadvertised post of X-Ray Scanner Operator, after the airport began trials of a revolutionary new device which allows security staff to look through passengers' clothes and check them for genitals.
"There is no way that images of naked people could possibly be considered pornographic," sniffed Sarah Barrett, the airport's head of customer humiliation. "The very suggestion disgusts me to the core. Anyway, it is a matter of public record that every single individual who works in the security sector is an unimpeachable paragon of virtue, and a churchwarden to boot. And of course, like all public-sector IT systems, the computer attached to the X-ray device is utterly secure. There is no way that anyone could, for example, simply plug in a USB stick and upload thousands of nude photos onto the internet."
"I seriously doubt that anyone in the world could be remotely interested in polluting their immortal soul by looking at the human body in all its revolting, shameful detail," she continued. "And besides, I know for a fact that the internet is rigorously policed by elderly spinsters who delete anything that offends their sensibilities as soon as it's posted. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go for a shower before the water heats up to room temperature."
At Terminal 2, where the system has recently been introduced, passengers can choose to have their intimate privacy violated by the device - which displays an image of their wallets, piercings, breast implants and privates - or, if they prefer, strip off completely and board their flights buck naked.
"Dear God, somebody help me tear my eyes out," begged a scanner operative, as another coachload of well-fed retirees waddled in for their winter flight to Spain.
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