Anonymous Hackers Bring Entire Capitalist System Crashing Down

Die, PayPal, you scheming neocon bastards

Millions of computer users all over the globe today flocked to download a piece of malicious code they don’t understand, but are nevertheless certain will somehow save self-appointed Wikileaks martyr Julian Assange the embarrassment of having to explain his hide-the-sausage antics to Swedish police officers.

“What it is right is the New World Order, i.e. Visa, Mastercard and PayPal, in league with Amazon which is like totally controlled by neocons are trying to stifle free speech yeah,” explained hacker ‘Coldsweat’ to the Nev Filter. “They claim right that making donations to Wikileaks right breaches their terms and conditions yeah but how can that be like right when you can buy a Ku Klux Klan coffee mug or buy stacks of hardcore porn from Russia er not that I’d know anything about that.”

“What it is right is that everyone can like join the Anonymous botnet and like hit the enemies of freedom right by like crashing their systems until the entire like global economy like totally collapses right,” he explained. “When the entire system of global commerce is like totally on its knees right and people are starving then the secret cabal of like politicians and multinationals will have no choice right they’ll have to let Assange walk yeah?”

Asked if the unleashed bots would, at that point, simultaneously cease attacking the world’s financial networks, politely delete themselves and allow billions of essential everyday transactions to resume, Mr Coldsweat replied, “Er I’ll like er get back to you on that right” and left before he could answer the next question, namely whether the botnet malware might have any less philanthropic tricks up its cybersleeve for its enthusiastic downloaders.

An anonymous spokesman for the anonymous Anonymous collective later denounced the anonymous Coldsweat, saying: “Whoever he is, he doesn’t speak for our organisation, whoever we are, whatever it is, and if indeed any of us exist at all. Which we don’t.”