British Agent Enjoyed Morocco's Sun-Kissed Beaches, Claims Head of Secret Service

The MI5 agent who visited Morocco three times while former Guantanamo Bay inmate Binyam Mohamed was being illegally tortured there "just totally fell in love with the glorious, golden beaches of Agadir," according to his boss, M.

Mohamed was arrested in Pakistan in 2002, where he was interrogated by the same agent - described in a revised High Court ruling today only as 'Witness Commander B' - before being illegally flown by the CIA to torturer-friendly Morocco under extraordinary rendition for further questioning, finally turning up at Guantanamo Bay in 2004. He was finally released without charge six months ago.

The British government's response has been to state that "the security and intelligence agencies do not participate in, solicit, encourage or condone the use of torture or inhumane or degrading treatment." It also denied having the slightest idea of Mr Mohamed's whereabouts between his arrest in Pakistan and his arrival at Guantanamo Bay - claiming that it simply assumed he had travelled through some sort of freakish time-warp.

"I appreciate that this all looks more than a little dodgy," said M, in a series of postings appended to his wife's Facebook status, "But you have to realise that the shores of Morocco are lapped by the stunning blue waters of the Mediterranean Sea, and can boast luxurious hotels, charming old-world souks, world-class seafood restaurants and scenic excursions to the Atlas Mountains. I once happened to show Witness Commander B my holiday snaps on Facebook, and told him he simply had to go there for a spot of R and R - and when he took up my suggestion, he found the country and people so charming that he spent all of his annual leave for the next eighteen months going back there."

When asked why Witness Commander B's holiday luggage included thumbscrews, a Black & Decker power drill and a small folding rack, M coolly explained that these were merely the ingeniously-designed components of a revolutionary new self-assembly deck chair which Q Branch had asked him to field-test.

Witness Commander B was unavailable for comment, explained M, as he is currently on undercover assignment in Finsbury Park, searching for a secret terrorist training camp hidden inside a volcano, the like of which the world has never seen.

Secret Agent's Data Has Been Removed, Promises Cat-Stroking Facebook Boss

Britain's security has been fatally compromised and we can expect to fall into the clutches of SPECTRE by Tuesday afternoon, warned Tory MP Patrick Mercer, the chairman of the parliamentary Counter-Terrorism Sub-Committee, after potential details of Agent 007 appeared on the social networking site Facebook.

According to the information posted by Commander James Bond's 7,625 former girlfriends, seduced femmes fatales, one-night stands and car-park quickies, Britain's top superspy drinks dry Martinis, wears dozens of expensive watches and drives very fast cars.

"This highly-sensitive data would be invaluable to the enemies of freedom," quavered a trembling Mr Mercer. "We are desperately trying to track down every woman whom Commander Bond has ever fondled, groped or poked."

"As you can imagine, the task is a formidable one," he added.

Facebook's creator and chief executive has, however, been quick to reassure the Secret Service that the top-secret posts have already been removed from public display.

"There is nothing whatsoever to worry about," said Ernst Stavro Blofeld. "The weak, vulnerable British government can trust us to locate and destroy any information which might be used to contribute to Agent 007's downfall. Facebook has built a very big data shredder, the like of which the world has never seen, in our headquarters inside a hollowed-out volcanic island - and I would like to cordially invite Mr Bond to come and inspect it for himself at close quarters."

The last occurrence of a security breach of similar magnitude took place in 1979, when spymaster M was on the receiving end of a well-mixed molotov - despite being equipped with an ingenious boogie-capable suitcase - as a direct consequence of talking about pop musik in New York, London, Paris and Munich.

Cutfinger

The actor Daniel Craig received hospital treatment yesterday for an injury to his finger, sustained in the shooting of accident-prone Bond Movie, Quantum of Solace, a spokesman admitted.

The 40-year-old was treated for a cut sustained during the filming of an action sequence at Pinewood Studios. The producers also denied that a fire broke out at the studio complex at the weekend, claiming it was a pyrotechnic special effect, but admitted that the Bond actor had been treated for a facial injury last week. The film has previously seen a stuntman seriously injured after crashing into a wall, had a valuable Aston Martin accidentally driven into Lake Garda, and been held up by an on-set protest from an irate town mayor in Chile.

“Bond fans can look forward to a spectacular extravaganza of breathtaking action,” said film reviewer Jonathan Ross, “And Bond producers can look forward to a spectacular extravaganza of breathtaking compensation claims.”

“This is likely to be the first action movie where the ‘Making of…’ documentary promises more action and excitement than the actual film,” he added.