The recently-appointed home secretary, Alan Johnson, has confirmed that the government will not be forcing ordinary, decent British people to carry ID cards, but promised that they would still be imposed on evil, moustachio-twirling foreigners.
"Some might think that this was the perfect opportunity to save the country an absolute bloody fortune in the costs of developing an ID card scheme," he told a hastily-convened press conference in the airing cupboard of the Home Office. "Unfortunately, if there's one thing these useless software companies can do right, it's writing a watertight contract with eye-watering penalty clauses for cancellation."
"Since we're stuck with a bloody useless database regardless, we figured it would be a shame to waste it," he continued. "So we thought how well it would read in the tabloids if we just inflicted it on foreigners - who, as we all know, are the real problem facing Britain today and in the future."
"And the beauty of it is that you won't read about all the inevitable cock-ups in the papers," he added. "Well, not the British ones, anyway."
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