Saturday, 12 March 2011

Self-Absorbed Realise Something Big Happened, Wonder How They Would Have Felt

The generation of the chronically self-obsessed are slowly noticing that something quite major has happened somewhere, and that it didn’t include them.

The internet is anxious to know what this cat makes of it all
Bloggers, bedroom musicians and Saturday paper columnists alike gasped in horror as they realised that the thing that happened was totally beyond their own personal experience, and immediately began typing heroically about how that made them feel.

“I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I was watching some reality show and congratulating myself on being superior to everyone on it and then suddenly the telly’s all like, bing bong! You’re going to have an earthquake!” tweeted one blogger to himself. “But I daresay I can get at least a thousand words out of trying to.”

Op-ed writers in the morning’s papers struggled valiantly to compare the big bad event to the most vexatious tribulation they could remember, and then expended more ink on trying to put an exact figure on just how much more annoying it might be to survive a gigantic earthquake only to see a ten-metre wall of water barrelling toward them at 100mph.

Back on the internet, a typically pretentious little turd who regularly pollutes YouTube with his ill-considered twaddle bravely uploaded some webcam footage of himself telling nobody in particular: “My mate sent me this clip of shitloads of mud washing all the cars away, and I thought to myself, ‘If that was my car, I’d be going ‘Fuuuuckkk!!!’’”

“Then I saw this fuck-off great boat riding along with it and I thought, ‘Shit, man, if I was on that boat I’d be straight on the phone to all my mates going ‘Fuuuuckkk!!!’,” he continued pointlessly, “Except my phone would be all like dead and shit, and I’d be going ‘Fuuuuckkk!!!’ because I’d have nobody to go ‘Fuuuuckkk!!!’ to, which is just like totally tragic.”

“Basically, at that point I reckon I’d probably be thinking, ‘Fuck my luck,’ and wondering why shit like that only happens to me,” he concluded. “I’m writing this really cool song about it, I’ll put it on SoundCloud and post you all the link.”

Meanwhile, an anxious world is on tenterhooks to hear what Jeremy Clarkson will make of it all in his Sunday Times column tomorrow.

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