Monday, 24 January 2011

Japanese Ambassador Now Demanding Apology For 31 Episodes Of ‘Tenko’

Following the BBC’s craven apology for mentioning the war, Japanese Ambassador Keiichi Hayashi has issued the perpertually penitent broadcaster with a slew of demands for grovelling acts of contrition for 31 inflammatory instances of internment-camp drama ‘Tenko’ broadcast in the 80s, 109 deeply-insulting airings of ‘Tora, Tora, Tora!’, 157 unpardonable showings of ‘From Here To Eternity’, 26 cynical counts of ‘Empire Of The Sun’ and an embarrassing one-off screening of ‘Merry Christmas, Mr Lawrence’.

To propitiate the hurt feelings of the Japanese people, all of whom watch QI in solemn contemplation every week, BBC bosses have promised to push the notorious racist, Stephen Fry, into a cramped, airless box for a week to atone for his bigoted slur that double A-bomb survivor Yamamoto Tamagotchi was “either the unluckiest man alive, or the luckiest, depending on how you look at it”.

However, this is not enough for Mr Hayashi, who claims that the BBC has for decades been implementing a cynical policy of lying repeatedly to the world about Japan’s unfortunate involvement in World War II.

Here's what started it
“Every Japanese schoolchild is taught the truth about the West’s attempt to subjugate our traditionally peace-loving country,” he screamed to hastily-assembled ranks of sweating BBC producers. “Namely, that the US forces - led by a sex-crazed Burt Reynolds - callously and without provocation opened fire on the 353 aircraft of the Imperial Japanese Navy’s aerobatics team during their dazzling display at the 1941 Pearl Harbor Air Show, the ensuing explosions shaking loose their dummy bombs and torpedoes. Insane with bloodlust, however, many frenzied US gunners accidentally dropped anti-aircraft shells onto the decks of their own ships, causing superficial damage which the cynical warmonger Franklin D. Roosevelt secretly manipulated using an early, analogue version of Photoshop to inflame world opinion against our peace-loving nation.”

“Japan’s naturalist expeditions, boating enthusiasts and sun-seeking holidaymakers struggled for four miserable years to make their way home safely from all over the Far East,” he shouted, as he brandished the traditional ceremonial sword of admonition at neck height. “Meanwhile, ungrateful white imperialist squatters were occupying Hirry Hitin’s many popular holiday camps all over the Pacific, selfishly making their lives intolerable for their unfortunate Khakicoat hosts.”

The Chinese Ambassador then rang the doorbell and politely asked his Japanese counterpart if, since apologies seemed to be on the agenda, he wouldn’t mind asking his government to apologise for murdering half the population of Nanjing in 1937 – an incident which the Japanese authorities have for years stoutly maintained was caused by an atrocious lack of hygiene in a takeaway restaurant.

BBC Director-General Mark Thompson eagerly stepped forward, however, and volunteered to take the blame for that as well.

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