Legal Aid To Be Available To Tramps Only

How to qualify for legal aid in future

Injustice secretary Ken Clarke vowed today to press ahead with slashing cuts to Britain’s legal aid system, which will mean that only homeless vagabonds will qualify for free legal assistance in future.

Under Mr Clarke’s axe, legal aid will no longer be available for employment disputes, housing issues, clinical negligence claims or divorce and custody battles – and, in the few cases where it may still be offered, anyone with disposable assets worth more than £1,000 will not qualify.

“The message is this: if you own more than the clothes you stand up in, you will have to bankrupt yourself if you want to stand up for yourself,” scoffed Mr Clarke. “If you don’t, you will be shafted out of a job and out of your home, and your health will be ruined.”

“But look on the bright side,” he smiled. “You’ll be driven barmy and destitute - and once you’re reduced to living out of a shopping trolley and shouting at passing cars, you’ll finally have reached the point where you qualify for legal aid.”