PM Reminds Critics He Didn’t Say Absent Fathers Should Be Stigmatised Like The Sick And Disabled

Prime minister David Cameron has reacted to fury over his comment that absent fathers should be stigmatised like drink-drivers by saying that if he wanted to be really vindictive he would have called for them to be harangued in the press every day and routinely mistreated by statutory bodies, like the sick and the disabled are.

Lower your trousers please, Mr Tomkins

“In my dreams, all that will happen to absentee dads is a TV ad campaign every Christmas warning them to mind how they go,” explained a conciliatory Mr Cameron. “I did not say they should all be assumed to be pretending to have absent children when in fact they have none, and neither did I say they should be completely ignored by the police, get paid less than the minimum wage or receive frequent slaps and boots up the arse from the people who care for them.”

“Having said that, I would rather like to see their privates put in an industrial crusher,” he added. “Purely in the public interest, of course.”

Is There A Gay Gene? Not Any More

The Bishop of New Hampshire, dressed in his traditional regalia of leather shorts and a construction helmet, was permanently interrupted yesterday by a lone protester while delivering a sermon at a church in Putney.

The openly-gay Bishop Gene Barrowman – who has been snubbed by the forthcoming Lambeth Conference of Anglican bishops - was speaking on fear in the church when a black-cowled figure rose from the midst of the congregation, pointed a gnarled staff at the bishop and declared in a powerful voice, “I smell… HERESY!”

The figure then threw back its cowl and a rippled murmur of shock ran through the congregation as the Witchfinder General stood revealed among them.

The awe-inspiring enforcer of medieval morality strode forward, pulling a small black cat from his robe, which he threw at Bishop Barrowman. The terrified cat dug its claws into the bishop, at which the interloper declared, in resonant tones: “See! His wicked familiar clings to him in his hour of need!”

The Witchfinder then produced a small portable bonfire from beneath his voluminous cloak and, striking Bishop Gene on the shoulder with his staff of office, demanded, “Do you repent of your disgusting sin, worm of Satan?”

The condemned cleric stammered, “Er… I think that today, in a very real sense, we are in danger of losing sight of…” but was stunned into silence by another blow from the church enforcer’s chastising rod.

“The bible says ‘Burn the heretic!’” exclaimed the Witchfinder.

“Where?” piped up a solitary voice from the congregation.

“Chapter 12, verse 23, St. Paul’s Letter to the Hooligans,” snapped back the black-garbed defender of the faith, “Look it up. Now you shall be cleansed in the purifying fire, loathsome heretic!”

At this point Jesus descended from Heaven to proclaim His Second Coming; but nobody paid any attention as the screaming deviant bishop was spit-roasted to death before the altar, while the cackling Witchfinder passed out marshmallows on sticks to the cowed congregation.