Labour Has Lost Touch With The Papers, Admits Miliband

Whatever they say, that's public opinion

In a frank acknowledgement of defeat at the polls last year, Labour leader Ed Miliband told activists at a policy forum that his party became sadly out of touch with the very people whose opinions matter most - namely press barons Rupert Murdoch, Lord Rothermere, Richard Desmond and the Barclay brothers.

“We went from six people making decisions in a smoke-filled committee room to six people making the decisions from a sofa in Whitehall, which proves that a) the cabinet doesn’t really matter very much, b) we were observing the smoking ban and c) Whitehall has some pretty impressive sofas,” droned Mr Miliband. "But the papers were trying to tell us what their owners wanted us to say. They were telling us that each and every one of the country’s woes can be firmly laid at the door of bastard immigrants and filthy rich dolescum. We didn’t listen to their deafening silence on corporate tax evasion and the insatiable demands of capitalism.”

Mr Miliband is keen to remove the tiresome clause in Labour’s constitution that allows unreformed socialists like Dennis Skinner any say in the composition of the shadow cabinet.

"I want us to be an alternative government," he said. "Exactly like the current government, in fact, only with a different logo. And the only way to achieve that is to have all the shadow cabinet dutifully chanting whatever the Sun says.”

“Immigrants out! Kick the sick! Bring back the workhouse!” he added, in the hope that one of his speeches might finally make front-page headlines. “Labour makes you free!”