Cornish Tribal Elders Urged To Perform Ceremonial Drain Dance

The fabled entrance to the Cornish underworld

Waterlogged Cornish tribesfolk are angrily demanding to know why the drain god is angry with them, as the entire county lies submerged under two feet of muddy water and turds.

“Every year, tree gods send gift of leaves down holes to underworld kingdom of mighty drain god,” grunted Derek Baynton, a hunter gatherer from Lostwithiel whose wattle-and-daub hovel was washed away last night. “This year he not eat leaves. Derek poke hole with pointy twig, find hole jammed solid. Derek ask himself if damn drain god down there at all.”

“Derek remember good old days of district council. Man roll in on council cart muttering traditional curse words, sweep up leaves, suck crap out of drain with magic box and bugger off happy,” he recalled. “No floods.”

“Now elders run whole damn show from Truro, Derek up to his knees in mud and shite,” he added morosely. “Where man now? Man down St Austell Jobcentre every Tuesday.”

Cornwall’s tribal chief, Alec Robertson, told explorers from the BBC: “This not fault of tribal elders. Elders work jolly hard for Cornwall tribe, do big song and dance at County Hall. This act of gods. No fault of Alec if tree gods too bloody generous with drain god tribute. He no-good lazy bugger. We send Peter Tatlow from Highway Services hut, he shout bad words at drain god until bastard swallow water and shit like he supposed to.”

Cave dwellers throughout Cornwall are unimpressed, however.

“Unless big chief Alec get fat arse down here damn quick and amuse dopey god with drain dance ritual, Alec find himself down hole at end of long stick, meet drain god in person,” warned Mr Baynton darkly.