Journalists Spoil Glorious Day By Cynically Reporting Other News

Looking at this is treason. How dare you

An angry David Cameron has called journalists ‘cynical’ for perversely continuing to file news items that have little or nothing to do with Prince William or Kate Middleton.

“Amid this spontaneous outpouring of British happiness, nobody wants their perfect day of national celebration spoiled by reading some unsavoury twaddle about me making an embarrassing U-turn and booting my personal photographer off the public payroll,” snapped the PM.

“Neither do elated taxpayers particularly want to hear that they’re forking out untold millions of pounds’ worth of hush money in out-of-court settlements to British citizens detained unlawfully for years at Guantanamo Bay, saving their government the deep embarrassment of seeing its dirty little secrets exposed in public courts of law,” he complained peevishly.

“There are in fact rather a lot of things that the British people need not be troubled with today,” he added. “Any journalist not currently engaged in knocking out a string of articles on ‘Kate Middleton – The Ordinary Girl From The Streets Of Buckinghamshire’ or ‘Humble War Hero William’ – or in the case of tabloid reporters, some speculative fiction under the tiresomely predictable headline ‘I Wills’ – is, quite frankly, nothing less than a traitor and you can be assured that I shall be compiling a list of the guilty and handing it to their editors, next time I have them over for lunch.”