Royal Wedding Will Make Everything Right

As long as you're happy, that's the main thing

Everything that is wrong with recession-stricken Britain will be instantly rectified next year, on the magical day when an extraordinarily privileged man marries a woman who is so far only moderately privileged, according to all media sources today.

Although the absurdly lucky couple have not yet set a date for what is already being universally hailed as the marriage of the millennium, by the time spring and summer roll around there is expected to be no shortage of freshly-unemployed people to line the streets of London and wish the obscenely-cossetted couple every happiness and comfort denied to themselves.

Iain Duncan Smith is now hoping to use the royal wedding as a pretext for rushing his drastic benefit reforms through parliament in time to bus every jobless in Britain to London overnight for the joyful day - where they will be issued with a flag to wave and a map showing them where to stand for eight hours, and told that they are being given an opportunity to gain valuable work experience in the corporate PR sector.

Meanwhile, many loyal subjects who fondly think they might still have a job next year are also preparing to be ecstatic, in the unshakeable belief that the sight of a rich playboy marrying a shopaholic socialite clothes-horse will in some unspecified, intangible way make their hollow lives complete and banish all of the nation’s woes forever.

All government departments are now anxiously awaiting the date of the wedding from Buckingham Palace, so they can quietly roll out a raft of unpleasant measures – ranging from draconian to downright punitive - to coincide with the epochal event’s 100% media coverage.