As the Band of the Institute for Public Policy Research led the nation’s second-class passengers in a sentimental lament about the working poor, Mr Lightosborne successfully navigated the majestic behemoth away from the rest of Europe and the developed world, before handing the wheel to cabin boy Clegg and taking the microphone to address the passengers and crew.
“Ladies and gentlemen and the rest of you, this is your new Third-Rate Officer speaking. Perhaps you’d like to wave one last farewell to your old hopes and dreams,” he announced. “I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to tell you the destination of this mystery cruise yet - but rest assured, there will be plenty of sunshine where we’re going. Now, I have some general announcements to make:
“Captain Cameron regrets that, due to pressing family matters which he is discussing with the Purser, he will not be joining first-class passengers at the captain’s table tonight. However, he assures them that he has put on a lavish spread for them all, and cordially invites them to tuck in with gusto.”
“Second-class passengers are advised to deposit any valuables and cash they might be carrying into the care of the ship’s purser for safe keeping during the voyage and after. A list of excursions will be posted later for those wishing to sample the hospitality of other countries.
I would remind all steerage passengers that they must strictly observe the notices showing them which areas of the nation are off-limits - specifically the dining lounge, the infirmary, the library, the crèche and the promenade decks. Now, it saddens me to say this, but it has been brought to my attention that some of you claim to be dissatisfied with the conditions deep in the bowels of the nation, and that a malcontent element is muttering about making your grievances known to the better class of passengers. Let me assure you that your welfare is receiving my closest attention, and meanwhile perhaps I should point out that the locker has been opened and the stewards issued with the necessary means to keep order.
“Now some brighter news. Nervous passengers will no doubt be relieved to hear that all those worrying lifeboat drills have been cancelled. I would just remind you all that, in case of emergency, the lifeboats are reserved on a strictly first-class, first-served basis. Any spaces remaining will be allocated fairly by - and for - officers.
"Finally, some housekeeping matters. The crew are formally notified that, following a company review of staffing levels, all lower ranks - apart from the chefs and valets serving the upper deck, and the stewards - have been deemed surplus to requirements. Redundant crew members are asked to collect their papers from the Purser at the end of their shifts, when they will be allocated hot-bunking space in the steerage section. Thank you for listening, and bon voyage.”
Mr Lightosborne then retired to the navigator’s office, to pore over his charts of South East Asia for the most suitable permanent mooring for Britain in order to provide service-sector support to the growing middle classes of the developing world.
There was then an almighty, shuddering crash as Britain was struck amidships by a vast floating debt, which officers breezily assured the frightened passengers was well within the unsinkable nation’s capacity to withstand.
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| The last known photograph of Britain, steaming gloriously over the horizon |
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