Vatican Presented With Cut Out ’n’ Keep Identification Guide To The Third World

Catholic spin doctors as still trying to come up with some kind of plausible explanation for Cardinal Hitler Kasper’s views on Britain, which are threatening to overshadow the Pope’s state visit.

After the 77-year-old German prepared to fly into the UK, he told reporters that "when you land at Heathrow you think at times you have landed in a Third World country." He was promptly pushed back into his taxi by red-faced Vatican officials, who explained that the Cardinal was clearly suffering from advanced gout of the head.

“Cardinal Kasper was obviously referring to the militant state atheism which makes Britain indistinguishable from North Korea, especially after you’ve finished off the communion wine,” said a sweating PR priest. “No? OK, try this – he was merely making a jocular reference to all the jungle bunnies… er… degenerate melting pot of inferior races… er… can I get back to you on this?”

Britain’s ambassador to the postage stamp-sized religious city-state – which, having a birth rate of zero, is composed entirely of immigrants - later presented the Vatican with a helpful guide to spotting Third World countries, which includes the following helpful tips on a handy cut-out cribsheet:

1. Is governed solely according to whim of charismatic leader appointed by self-perpetuating oligarchy;

2. Stages frequent highly-orchestrated public spectacles full of spurious pageantry;

3. Places petty minor officials in every neighbourhood, interfering with every aspect of private life;

4. Cultivates blind obedience and widespread ignorance in poverty-stricken subjects;

5. Blithely ignores world opinion;

6. Badly-equipped army maintains order by hiring foreign mercenaries.

A typical third world army