Internet Welcomes World War III

And yes, I feel fine

The entire internet is abuzz with gleeful panic over the surprise outbreak of the third and final world war on the Korean border this morning, with self-appointed experts cheerfully predicting nuclear Armageddon by midnight.

“Thanks to uploads of Fox Channel documentaries on YouTube, I have become a leading authority on ILLUMINATI-orchestrated geopolitics, the BILDERBERG-run military-industrial COMPLEX and the ZIONIST ELDERS who ORDERED Kim Jong-Il to start fucking WORLD WAR THREE by launching an ALL-OUT artillery strike on a small island held by South Korea,” blogged a man who has smoked cannabis for 20 years to cure the cancer he would certainly have caught off the deadly plastic his Pot Noodles come in, if he didn’t smoke cannabis regularly.

“It all makes sense if you’re SMART and track down all the SUPPRESSED sources of TRUTH that the GOVERNMENTS of the world are desperately shutting down EVEN AS WE SPEAK, the fuckers,” he added, above a huge screed of links to dozens of rabid conspiracy-theorist websites which share an endearing lack of basic layout skills.

“Obviously, this is the endgame which represents the culmination of every pothead’s wet dream of mass genocide - engineered by the multinational corporations through their willing puppet, the secret world government,” commented Xogg, an alien from the ninth dimension, as he parked his invisible scout-ship on the lawn of the White House. “I shall be happy to grant interviews later, in which I will tell those of you who are intelligent enough to listen how you can finally transcend your material existence, but first I have to deal with the evil lizard creature in there who appears to you in the skin of a black man.”

Meanwhile, top propagandists from the world’s Zionist-owned media have been clamouring for a comment from Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the world’s leading experts on North Korea.

The entire internet exploded later, after being filled to bursting with spectacularly ill-informed arse talk about China.

RAF Toys In Safety Recall

The RAF was left screaming and shouting in a massive sulk today, after its Typhoon Jet toys were taken away for an urgent safety recall.

The 60 toy planes were recalled by manufacturers British Airfix after the realistic ejector seat accidentally sprang out and lodged itself up the left nostril of the Spanish boy down the road.

“The Typhoon Jet Plane is a quality toy, as befits its £69 million price tag,” said a British Airfix spokesman. “Unfortunately, it appears that stupid foreign children who don’t read the instructions can cause accidents, so we’re gluing the ejector seat in to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

The RAF, however, refuses to be consoled.

If we don't say hello to it, this will blow up the whole world and everything

“I buyed my Typhoon Jets out of my own pocket money, I did really,” shouted the spoilt child. “Actually I didn’t really. I screamed and screamed and screamed at mummy and daddy and then they buyed them for me. But the Russian boy in the next street has a really really REALLY big model plane that his granddad maked for him out of sticks and paper and stuff and things, and it really flies and it's got propellyers and everything, and it flies right over our back garden and I wanted a lot of Typhoon Jets so I could throw them all up in the air every time so they could say HELLO! to the great big airyplane every time it flied over. And there it goes now look and I haven’t got any Typhoon Jets or anything else except Prince Willy and his rubbish helicopter which I didn’t even want cos they’re USELESS but mummy said they looked nice in the shop and now I’m REALLY REALLY CROSS!”

“WAH,” it added.