Washed-Up Snackhead Like Totally Freaked Out By Prison Sentence

Zoinks indeed

Shaggy, the half-forgotten snack addict who used to be on TV all the time in the 70s and 80s, was reported to still be “totally freaking” as he started an eight-week custodial sentence in Pentonville for being zonked out whilst in charge of a motor vehicle.

The notorious stoner was clearly nervous as he stood in the dock, with huge droplets of sweat leaping from his head as the prosecution described how he was found by the Hampstead sheriff slumped at the wheel of the Mystery Machine and covered in tell-tale Scooby Snack crumbs, after crashing it into old Mr Peters’ photography shop in the hick town’s main street.

Summing up, district judge John Perkins said that, although he had taken Shaggy’s charitable work into account – namely, the unmasking of several devious villains, who had been scaring the townsfolk away by rather implausibly dressing up as monsters and spooks – he could not ignore the defendant’s previous record of driving away from ghostly projections in a reckless manner, nor his string of previous snack-abuse convictions.

When the sentence was delivered, Shaggy leapt to his feet, gasped “Zoinks!” and began revving his legs on the spot like flywheels, causing some damage to the floor of the courtroom as two burly ushers seized his arms and dragged him back to the cells, his legs still flailing helplessly.

In a statement on the courtroom steps after the trial, Fred, his long-term partner, told the press that Shaggy “would have got clean away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those pesky plods.”