A baying proletarian mob has surrounded top public school Eton, armed with firebrands, after prime minister Gordon Brown yesterday urged the nation to join him in a class war on public schools.
"The Right Honourable Leader of the Opposition is an overprivileged bag of horseshit," shouted the PM yesterday. "He went to Eton, which by definition makes him an enemy of the people. I urge the British public to twat him on sight."
"Public schools are nothing more or less than toff factories, churning out an endless stream of hardline Conservative upper-class twits who scoff quail's eggs and quaff champagne in their clubs as they brag to each other about how much they hate the working classes," he continued. "Need I give examples? Oh, all right then: Tam Dalyell, Ed Balls, Tony and Hilary Benn, Tony Blair, Stephen Byers, Charles Clarke, Ann Clywd, Alistair Darling, Michael Foot, Harriet Harman, Margaret Hodge, Geoff Hoon, Tessa Jowell, Ruth Kelly, Bob Marshall-Andrews, George Orwell, James Purnell and Keith Vaz."
"Whatever you do, don't trust these toffee-nosed Tories with the running of the country just because they know how to read," urged the grammar-school oik of a prime minister. "Educated people are smarmy know-alls who love to make you feel stupid. Just look at Eggheads on BBC2. Don't you just want to smash your fist into their smug faces? Trust me, you need some ignorant, semi-literate, pig-headed man of the people who thinks he knows a lot more than he does in the driving seat."
Other overprivileged, chinless bastards who have no concept of what it is like to be you include Bear Grylls, Adam & Joe, Helena Bonham-Carter, Peter Gabriel, John McCririck, Hugh Laurie, Robyn Hitchcock, Jeremy Paxman, Adam Hart-Davis, and me.
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