A hard-hitting Senate report concludes that a series of incompetent blunders by US Defense Secretary Wile E. Rumsfeld allowed his cheeky arch-enemy, Osama Bin Runner, to get clean away in 2001.
The report claims that when 100 US commandos had the pesky Bin Runner cornered in a remote, rocky wilderness with only one road in and out, rather than sending in more reinforcements as requested, the defense coyote instead saw fit to issue several lucrative contracts to Acme - a company with close ties to the Bush administration - for a long line of expensive technological solutions with wildly-unrealistic chances of success.
Unhindered by the Rumsfeld's ill-advised deployment of naval cannon, rocket cycles, dynamite-carrying arrows, unfeasibly quick-drying cement and grand pianos, the Bin Runner eventually escaped when the Rumsfeld rather stupidly painted a tunnel on an escarpment with a sign saying "Short Cut to Pakistan". As the confident Rumsfeld gave chase, the Bin Runner inexplicably escaped into the painting while his pursuer - predictably - ran at full tilt into the rockface, injuring himself further by setting off a small landslide.
"We now have no idea of that darned Bin Runner's whereabouts," said John Kerry, head of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. "Is he in Pakistan's lawless tribal areas? Or is he hiding inside the cliff itself? We just don't know."
Wile E. Rumsfeld was unavailable for comment today, as has been plummeting to the bottom of a very deep canyon since the end of the Bush presidency. Several senators are now calling for the Obama administration to censure the former defense coyote, possibly by dropping a 1-ton anvil after him.
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