On a visit to the Czech Republic, His Holiness The Überpope has spoken out against the religious repression inflicted by its former communist rulers, while celebrating Mass in a cowpat-strewn field near Brno-Turany Airport.
"It is nearly tventy years since ze overthrow of ze evil sub-human communist schwein - so vy has ze entire Czech Republic still not fallen to its knees und turned to me?" he asked an elderly Catholic heifer, as it idly chewed his gold-laced robes.
Since the Velvet Revolution brought about the bloodless fall of the old communist regime, the majority of Czechs have so far failed to undergo a heady religious revival, inexplicably preferring to get on with their lives and modernise their country.
"History has demonstrated ze absurdities to vich man descends ven he excludes a certain central authority figure from ze horizon of his choices und actions," continued God's favourite former flakhilfer, ducking as an Airbus screamed overhead on full thrust.
"Before ze murdering communist scum invaded Czechoslovakia in 1945, all vos peace, order und light," screamed the dung-covered pontiff as he rose to his feet. "Vy vill you Slav untermensch not submit to ze authority of ein irresistible charismatic figure from ze past?"
The former Hitler Youth was then chased out of the field by a charging bull of the non-Papal variety, which expressed a keen interest in his red vestments.
"I varn you, zere will be repercussions," howled God's vicar on earth from the safety of a slurry pit.
Britain and France have so far shown little interest in the Pope's visit.
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