Thousands of restaurants across Britain boarded themselves up and called in the receivers this afternoon, as today's introduction of a ban on using tips as an excuse to pay staff a pitiful insult of a wage, together with a 7p rise in the national minimum wage, combined to drive them into instant bankruptcy.
"Have you any fucking idea how fucking low the fucking margins are on a £45 set fucking lunch of paella-style saffron fucking risotto, with a main fucking course of braised fucking ox-cheek in red fucking wine and a lemon fucking meringue and almond fucktart for fucking dessert?" screamed Gordon Ramsay, as he nailed the last plank across the doors of his 68 Royal Hospital Road flagship eaterie. "A lot of the fuckers who stuff their fucking guts here don't even fucking bother paying the fucking optional 12.5% gratuity. If it wasn't for the fucking £fucking8 fucking charge for a fucking selection of fucking cheeses from the fucktrolley I'd have fucking gone bust years a-fucking-go."
"Fuck the fucking fuck," he added.
However, business secretary Lord Mandelson defended the changes as "a basic issue of fairness".
"When I leave a tip, I don't expect it to be used to make up the minimum wage," he told reporters as he tucked into a meal at Brighton's top-rated surviving restaurant, Planet India. "First, I want it to go to the person who has served me as a thank-you for their service - that's lovely, Anish, you can stop kissing my feet now, but do make sure you wipe your vile slobber off my shoes - and then I want it to go to the Treasury as an increase in their National Insurance deductions."
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